Have You Ever Been Kidnapped by a Thought?
I was a mess.
The doctors called it Crohn’s disease but I was certain the pain in my intestines was a result of an emotional upset I was stuck in. A debilitating thought was just floating by in my chattering brain and I latched on to it. I believed it, I became it, and I started hurting over it. I swallowed it hook, line and sinker and put the self-defeating perspective on like a pair of glasses. The glasses fit so perfectly I didn’t even know they were there.
These glasses colored everything I looked at with an ugly view from childhood, an experience I was sure I’d forgiven and let go of. I was angry that it was showing up again. I crawled into bed as though it would help me get away from reality. I was wrong. I stewed and resisted what I felt and the reality kept getting bigger and bigger with my disgust over it. Giving up was my physical response. My body started matching my vibration and began to shut down… right along with my heart.
The thought I merged with was “I don’t matter.”
A person that I love dearly wanted to take a break from our relationship and wouldn’t tell me why. I was devastated and left with no answers, so my mind kept filling in the blank with made up realities. None were kind. This happened right after my mother had passed away so I’d already been immersed in wondering what the point of existence truly was. The heartache left me with an emptiness inside that had me questioning everything.
With self criticism ruling my world, my attention started zooming in on what’s wrong with life. Trust me, this is not a healthy quest, because we pretty much find what we’re looking for. I started collecting evidence for the belief "I don’t matter" everywhere I looked. Self-sabotage at it’s best. I saw life covered with painful events and circumstances. Not just for me in my personal space, I was seeing the whole world through these glasses.
My husband didn’t escape the investigation.
Thoughts like: he doesn’t care, I’m not appreciated, he’s too busy for me, and he only cares about blah, blah, blah, ruled my brain. My belief "I don't matter" was having babies. These ideas were making a nest in my head and proving how everything fit into them. It was like the energy of the thought had beckoned all its vibrational cousins to join the party. I was attracting a world outside to match my world inside.
Did the world change or was it my seeing that changed...
I became more and more ill. I had stopped eating and was totally malnourished. I felt like a victim with no way out. Eating hurt and not eating hurt. I became angry and tried to not care about anything. Pretense on top of all that emotion was a recipe for even more misery.
Then something happened that changed everything… a long-time friend nudged me to notice my vibration. The question irritated me at first; that was my method to help others. My ego was in the saddle and I was too embarrassed to admit that I was a mess. My energy was made of a pile of resistance covered over with pretense, the perfect breeding ground for dis-ease.
My friend was perfectly pushy and invited me again, “Is there something you can look at right now that you appreciate?" I turned and looked out the window at a tree in our yard that I’ve loved for years. As though on cue, it started waving in the gentle breeze. This majestic tree with multi-colored leaves had been my best friend for the past year of being ill. It was like a friend I trusted to love me no matter what (corny but true). I stopped everything in that moment and just watched its branches swaying like it was saying hello to me. I smiled and gratitude started to fill me. Slowly I expanded my view into the periwinkle blue of the sky. The quietness in my mind was allowing my heart to see. I let myself feel this love vibrating all around me and a tear rolled down my cheek. I swear my body began to smile too. My friend looked at me so lovingly in that moment, he felt it. The space filled up with the precious kindness of allowing. I felt a much higher vibration inside, I had let some sweetness in. It was a profound shift from being a thought to remembering who I was without it. I took those old glasses off.
I am not my thoughts, I am the thinker of them.
With perfect timing my husband walked toward us and stopped right in front of me. He was loving me and I FELT IT! I let him in for the first time in a long while. I looked into his beautiful green eyes and started crying thankful tears. I saw him… I mean really saw him, without the filter of a critical thought. Gently he’d taken care of me through this difficult illness, doing things no husband should ever have to do. In that moment I acknowledged the amazing being he is. We connected in presence. Without any mean thoughts coloring my view, a new world appeared. What a blessing… so simple, so kind, and so real, being willing to see what’s in front of me without paying attention to the mind’s chatter.
Love poured into me from everywhere. I giggled with joy. It was as though a brick wall had crumbled around me and life was flowing back in. I remembered who I am. My vibration rose to the stars and my body responded instantly. My dear pushy friend watched with love, knowing the release of this unhealthy thought was key to my healing.
A loving world suddenly appeared in the very same place the ugly one had been. As I made the choice to let love in, the whole universe seemed to show up and support me. And… that’s another love note, soon to be written.
Seeing the good with you,
To release habitual thoughts and resistance, please enjoy a free download of Chapter Four from, The Allowing Handbook, and apply our 3 step Catch & Release process - FREE CHAPTER