Swept up in blame I couldn’t believe she would treat me like this, not after all we’d been through. I was hurt and confused.
Wallowing in self-pity I caught myself closing down, a reaction that always leads to more pain. I was disconnecting from her, and consequently from my Self... all in an effort to avoid experiencing a feeling.
The only way out was to become more honest about what I was holding onto.
So I got busy, too busy to let go of the ache I was dragging around. I even manifested a list of urgent responsibilities. Like doing dishes, cleaning the house and picking up fuzz balls off the carpet. A part of me observed my reactions while another part of me was fighting to be right. The fighter part was judgmental and calculating how to win. The fighter collected all of the accused's mistakes from the past… as though blaming her would relieve the pain. I was behaving like the person I was seeing her as.
Searching for what’s wrong with someone does not release the pain, it multiplies it.
The feeling I was running from was "I don’t matter." To deny it and resist it I had to shut down. That feeling scared me… I believed it to be true as a child. I blocked the pain with great skill then and here it was screaming inside my head. I watched. That fighter in me refused to allow the feeling, as though I would lose something if I experienced the sensation… and my opponent would win. An old lie too often believed.
I knew the only way to be free was to Catch & Release this scary sensation and allow it to move through me. Resisting it fed it and attracted people to fulfill my suppressed fear. I finally became still, and stopped fighting. I invited the sensation to come forward by asking… what feeling do I NOT want to feel? What sensation am I running away from?
I felt my heart open, trusting the power of this question.
I allowed the feeling of not being good enough to exist. I surrendered to the fear held in that idea. It was uncomfortable to experience but as I let it all be there, looked the sensations in the eye, and welcomed them… they began to dissolve.
I stayed present. I let the feelings flow through me and in minutes I felt profound relief. It was baffling to realize how afraid I was of a feeling! Allowing it all to exist melted my fear of it. I understood "It’s just a feeling!" It can’t hurt or control me as long as I experience it on purpose.
I felt so much gratitude for my dear friend. She was a gift showing me to myself. Allowing had created a space for a compassionate solution to appear. I felt free and very appreciative for the lesson.
I knew what to do.
Ever forward,
You're Invited...
I'll be speaking at OLLI on December 10th, and have been offered 40 free seats for non-members. Register now if you'd like to sit in one of them!